PERVERT'S NEWS DIGEST
LILONGWE: Calling it “the best New Year gift ever,” a local virgin religious leader has drilled Malawian women on the best practice to avoid conceiving in 2019 and beyond. The religious leader, Father Timoteyo Mtembosiuphwisa, offered his unsolicited wisdom as a way of exercising his normal obligation as a local overseer of the most influential religious sect in the country.
Said Father Mtembosiuphwisa during his briefing, which included an elaborate PowerPoint presentation, “they encourage you to choose among many contraceptive methods, but I guarantee you that none of them is righteous or effective. As Malawian women, you should be thanking me for revealing this to you.”
Choosing to remain coy on the unrighteousness of the available contraceptive methods, Father Mtembosiuphwisa detoured from the subject of his briefing by elucidating why he refrains from sex.
“Of course, boners and horniness are for the less meek.That is why me and my bros, from the Vatican to Kaning’ina, don’t indulge in that filthy business. Anyway, where was I? If you want to avoid contraception, do it natural,” explained the revered Father.
“Condoms, birth control pills, IUD, diaphragm, birth control implants – they are all diabolical. The holy Father, Mother Mary, and Lord Jesus shun those. But, as slide 33 of my presentation shows, God recommends the natural way,” concluded a partially sweating Father Mtembosiuphwisa.
His briefing, however, has since generated wrath among advocates of women’s rights and the donor community, who have described the briefing as a blatant attempt to counter the unprecedented progress that the country has registered in promoting sexual-reproductive rights of women in the country.
When asked for a response Ms. Haida Nnyengeni, who is a self-professed fierce defender of girls and women’s rights and freedoms, questioned Father Mtembosiuphwisa’s qualifications on sexual matters.
“Is this experiential wisdom or mere mansplaining? He should stick molesting altar boys,” said Ms. Nyengeni.
By press time, the offended advocates and the donor community had let down the neutrals by switching focus from Father Mtembosiuphwisa’s degrading briefing to Veronica Katanga, who is alleged to have been stripped by DPP cadets.