LIFESTYLE | THE JÄGERMEISTER
…SOOO hie! It’s COVID-19 season, the stay home season, the non slaying season, rumours of a possible countrywide lockdown, rumours of death, rumours of wearing masks, rumours, rumours and more rumours. It’s sickening!
I’d like to call my pastor but I keep getting sent to voicemail, or rather I get a WhatsApp voice note; “my son, stay strong in these trying times’”. The Jägermeister understands, that when shit hits the fan, it’s every man for himself, every pastor for himself. The pastor abandons his flock in search of refuge, in search of survival. My pastor is no longer there for me. My pastor is no longer healing the sick, my pastor is busy trying to survive, he keeps telling me “son, though you walk in the shadow of the valley of death do not fear.” My pastor has his phone on flight mode. He says corona is God’s way of saying let’s stay home and look to ‘the Almighty’.
But I know my pastor, we keep secrets for one another. You see, he’s my spiritual father. I’ve spiritual siblings, sisters, brothers, cousins. I know my pastor is having a hard time not answering the phone. My spiritual mother, by virtue of being my spiritual fathers’ wife, is always there to support my spiritual father, as it should be.
You see, my ‘father’ has a lot of my sisters calling him. It’s been a while since he’s contacted them. The sisters, are missing his so tender and loving care that he often offers them. Tell you what? My father says love is meant to be shared, that lover is abundant. Sadly, corona has made it so that he is no longer able to share his love. My sisters in Christ are starving; they miss that love, that tender touch, that usual blessing.
My sisters in Christ have began to hate my spiritual mother. They think she is keeping our father away from them, that she is not giving a chance to our father to love them as he used to. They feel this is unacceptable. They also knew all along that our ‘father’ only went to visit them for the usual services. Then, he would give them a little blessing in cash; it was business unusual. And so, they keep on calling, and texting our ‘father’. You see, my sisters are running out of bundles, they keep getting these “You have used 80% of your PaNet volume bundle…” notifications. This was non-existent during the corona-less era when our ‘father’ was a free man.
Why has our father abandoned us? Why is he not picking up his phone? Why is he not answering our texts? These are the usual questions perambulating in my sisters’ heads day in day out. They asked me to help them but I was busy, I said, I was clueless.
To be honest, the Jägermeister knows too much about our ‘father’. He’s his own sins so he needs to repent. Him also knows my sins, so we keep it that way. Like I said, business unusual. You see the Jägermeister wants to survive too, besides our father occasionally blesses me with the occasional cross to one of my sisters, and I do them, business unusual.
The Jägermeister has no time to worry about his siblings, our father is busy so I say. But I know my sisters are hungry, that free airtime is gone, that guarana, is no longer there. My sisters are beginning to understand the cost of guarana, they went and tried to ask for the price, they went back home with soya pieces. I’m told they’d to just buy the soya as walking out of the supermarket empty-handed could’ve been so embarrassing. If that’s not enough, they’d to walk back home on foot; apparently, the soya had consumed all their money.
I was almost convinced that my sisters understood, until I got a text saying “let’s meet tomorrow, we’ll pay a visit to our father and confront him, ask him why he’s been dodging our calls. I’d to think fast, and fast I thought. I told them I’ve corona and I’m on self-quarantine so I won’t be able to accompany them.
We’re all spiritual sons and daughters, but these daughters are about to meet the spiritual mother. I doubt she’ll be too happy to see them. So I’m not going. Our father has committed spiritual incest more times than I can count, I wonder if me and one of my spiritual sisters getting it is also incest but I blame my spiritual father.
And so here I am in corona quarantine, praying for my spiritual father, because once my spiritual sisters come for him, I doubt they’ll hide those spiritual sessions in hotel rooms and lodges. But it’s none of my business; I’m in quarantine.