ThE SeXy DiVa!

By Promise T Chandilanga.

Now who ever said that sex is the golden answer to anything……????

Well, last month I went out of my parents’ place in case I didn’t tell you guys. As Y’all know, there’s a time when one has to be independent and self-reliant. Am talking to you divas who are 40, not hustling and still asking your momma for a hundred TNM (come beat me up lol).

So I found an apartment, not a MK1,500 rat infested leaking room. This one is an expensive, already furnished, beautiful and super sexy room. Imagine I use an elevator now aaaaww!!! So you see people I moved in, the view was nice (good for selfies lol) whatsoever and moreover it’s fenced, don’t forget ladies security first. I phoned the landlord to ask how am going to do the payments, he was like we were gonna have to talk about it face to face. So he said he was gonna drop by the next day. Well being excited of having my own space, it didn’t ring a bell in my cute delicious petite sexy head (well don’t give me that look we all know am sexy and that’s true, case closed).

Well at exactly the agreed time the next day, my gate was opened. Holy Moses the car! Nothing pleases the Slim Sexy Diva like seeing a hot brother driving a German machine Tchaiii!! Ladies, you might agree with me it’s so frustrating to only attract the attention of boys who never think beyond 24 Heineken and hubbly bubbly.

So the hot brother in bracket landlord, parked his Ranger right in front of me. Oh gosh, I loved the car and I felt my heart singing hallelujah. He was tall, dark and handsome- you know those guys who advertise Nivea for men on TV?, Well, he looked exactly like one.

He came out and walked straight to me and went “Hey gorgeous, I am Patrick Thakolambuzi. I stay in area 47 but I just passed by here going to a business meeting”. It’s only Area 47 guys who introduce themselves fully. I was sure he was also about to tell me his favorite undies color and his dogs’ middle name lol!.

Well, niggah didn’t take long, we talked and talked and talked, he was a nice dude by the way; always keeping the conversation going. BUT what gave me the chills was how he was looking at me. I mean dude couldn’t even stay for a minute without giving me the I-can-see-your-insides look. And whenever I brought up the payment issue he would just wink or do this other weird facial emo face, well I didn’t know what he meant. Till he left saying, he was gonna come the next day again to settle about the payment with a sly crooked smile. He couldn’t mean what I was I thinking, or was he????

The next day, dude didn’t come as he had promised. The other day was Monday so I went to work in the morning. Knocked off at 5 and drove home where I reached exactly 6:15 pm.I entered my apartment and I had just opened my bedroom when BOOOOOMMM!!!…………

I let out a scream….

“Welcome home honey, it’s time to pay”

Some men don’t know when and where to hit brakes. I mean, you just can’t throw yourself into a girl’s bedroom and engage in nakedness. That’s madness of the highest magnitude. Do men ever think like sensible human beings without involving naked flesh?

So imagine finding your landlord on your bed, clad in his boxers only and smiling from, ear to ear. I realized that this man here probably used his ownership of the property to showgirls. He swung his long limbs down, stood up and started coming towards me.

My hands grabbed a long, hard metal lamp stand that was on my table. Don’t ask me what I did with it. Just know it’s been a month now and my so-called landlord is still under medication at the Lilongwe Central hospital having been severely panel-beat!

So what am saying here ladies is, for so long men have always thought of women like sex objects. They always think they have a birthright to have sex with us and that sex can solve anything. I am tempted to say men are fools. Well, not all, but a whole lot of them are. You have a fight with your boyfriend he thinks you are going to compensate him for sex. You want help from your lecturer he’s going to ask for sex. You want deliverance from your pastor he is going to ask for sex first. So it’s like we are living in the no-sex-no-life era.

Now sex is payment of our school fees, sex is buying us food, sex is clothing us, sex is a ladder to promotions and sex is also being a visa to heaven. This is what most women think so far. However, I the Sexy Diva is telling you today that that is a naked lie, a woman can fight all the way up without using her body as payment.

Lastly, my sexy ladies, no two-legged creature shall tell you that you can’t be anything without sex. There are a number of women out there who have done well and not because they had spread their legs wider. Not at all! They worked hard and sweated with their hearts that they didn’t even have to buy positions at work. Their papers qualified them into being their own bosses. So ladies out there stand firm, work hard, pray hard and hustle hard with your brains and hands and not having sex with some long nosed fella who will not only expose you to the public but will also infect you with that deadly gentleman, Doctor HIV.



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