My Personal Diary
By Temwanani Thole
Sunday, 8th September 2019.
Dear Diary, let me tell you a story of my life, forgive me if I will flip the pages more slowly for I feel you need to have the same feeling I was in a couple of years back.
At Twenty-three, I met this amazing man. Later on, I was to learn that he was a man in Uniform. This was the D-Day before the wedding of some distant cousin of mine. It turned out this dude was amongst the team of the groom’s wedding entourage. You know what that means, right? Get me right here. I had no serious attention to him as my mind was wandering unto some other important matters of my life. Him wasn’t party to that as there’s already some Prince rocking my world by then.
At the dinner rehearsals that Friday, we never shared much as we were still strangers, sizing each other I guess. To me, he appeared to be rather quiet.
Having performed the duties for the night, rehearsing for the following day’s event, each one of us went their separate ways. Call it love at first sight, or was it lust? Whatever it was, it had gripped me…him as well, I guess. My guts told me that he could be charming, principled and strong willed. Don’t ask me why, please!!! Hahaha! When you are twenty-three years old.
At lunch, we had a very brief chat and I happened to take his phone from the chair he was sitting since he had forgotten all about it. I then handed it to him at the reception. Don’t know if it was his modus operandi of giving out (and getting numbers) to/from the opposite sex for since that day, I fell head over heels for him. He would leave the confines of his military base and spoend some quality time with me. Imagine! I really felt like a Queen. When you’re twenty-three years old, hahaha!
It surely could have been that love story but I am that extra traditional girl that waits for a man to officially make the first move before I open my whole heart to him, Yes I loved him, and yes I would have done it all for him but then something inside me just kept pushing my soul to not press the Yes button.
From the small dates to the big dates, from the night walks to the late night drives, We were all that but I kept reminding myself he hasn’t asked me out yet. Silly right but I thank that spirit for making me hold up.
Then the day I chose to actually kiss him is the day I found out he had a very serious relationship and that other girl loves him too deep and I would be the devil’s agent to take that away from her. I was severely heart broken, he had taken me too deep, he had nurtured my love so well and he wasn’t like the other boys who would have just eaten the apple and went their way. This one was different I told myself, he hasn’t asked me for that yet and he doesn’t touch me inappropriately. We are just so cool as friends but I was wrong! This one was the dangerous type; the type that doesn’t give you a chance to decide for yourself, they take you in as a friend, they make you feel so safe with them, they make you care for them like a brother and then when you are in too deep, they move out of your life, leaving you helpless and torn inside out.
That night I cried, I was shaken, I was so sad because I knew the decision I had to make but I would be hurting all the way to forget to love such a man. I had learnt to love him, I had learnt to cook for him all that he liked, and I had learnt to depend on him, so how was I going to be able to live my life without him.
I couldn’t just let him go, I had to call him to come see me. Well, I was used to such prestige. I was single but in a relationship. He knew it was hard for me so he didn’t make any decisions for me but let me to decide for myself; I continued calling him, texting him, making him my shoulder because I had to let him go slowly. Every night he came to see me, I hugged him so tight to quench that fire I used to feel and kiss him goodnight under that tree because I had to learn to survive.
One last time I called him and I had a few things written down for him to hear me out very well, I sat at the back of his car and I lined up my wishes and complaints to him with my paper in hand. He was hurt to the core but I had to choose me, my love and my self-respect. I had to let that sister have the life she was dreaming about and I knew I was a good person because I had helped him make tough decisions and I would be the whore if I had stayed in the way of their love because of my selfishness. So on that chilly Sunday evening, when he was in his choir uniform and I was in that dress he liked so much, I wrote;
If life had been fair and I had always had what I wanted, then I am sure I would have you but such is not life and our God works in ways completely different from ours.
Thank you for the love you have shown to me this past year, I am not the same as I was yesterday, now I know on what values love is to be held and I now know what I want.
I have to let you go not because I don’t love you but because I love you so much and I would be taking you away from your blessing if I let you live that beautiful girl for me. I would want my man to be like you, a man who knows how to value a woman, a man who will hold his head up high, admit that he loves another and what he feels for another.
Go back to her and be with her, I have let you go today but that other woman you may cross paths with may not let you go.
I ask for only one thing, continue being my friend. I have seen and I know I have found a brother in you. Forgive me for taking this long to realize that we are not meant to be lovers but you my brother and I your sister. I hope one day I will meet this amazing woman you have and you will forever be in my prayers.
This was the sincerest writing of my life and I have had no regrets ever since I chose to let him spread his wings and fly. Judge him not; he is a man bound to make mistakes but respect him for not taking advantage of the fact that we were both so into each other to strip me of my honor in his presence.