Mr. Bitchless | How to Tackle Pregnancies in Schools Using the Magufuli Philosophy

“After calculating some few mathematics, she’d be asking the teacher in the classroom: ‘Let me go out and breastfeed my crying baby’”

-President John Pombe Magufuli

Last Monday, September 18, marked the commencement of a new academic calendar for Primary and Secondary schools in the country. As usual, this development means the beginning of another year where the country will be bombarded with real and exaggerated pregnancy stories across school campuses: teachers impregnating students, students impregnating fellow students, pastors impregnating students, village champions impregnating students, sugar daddies impregnating students….you know how these stories go.

A rising concern, schoolgirl pregnancy is a tragedy that occurs in both public and private schools leading to tragic effects on society. Here in Malawi, as far as addressing schoolgirl pregnancy and its effects are concerned, NGOs and the government continue to employ banal strategies for ensuring that school girls refrain from getting pregnant, such as increasing awareness on sexual reproductive health and promoting stupid subjects like Bible Knowledge and Life Skills. When analyzed carefully, however, these strategies have proved to be ineffective to the core.

As an opinionated asshole that he is, Mr. Bitchless has succumbed to the urge to talk about schoolgirl pregnancy in public (both primary and secondary) schools this week. Public schools because Mr. Bitchless has no prerogative to suggest policy directives in private schools. Private schools are a jurisdiction for school owners and their clients. But when it comes to public schools, as a bona fide tax payer who surrenders a whopping 30% of his monthly earnings to help run government schools, Mr. Bitchless feels the liberty to spit out his filthy proposition on how to deal with schoolgirl pregnancy.

See, the reality is that the government spends good money to ensure that student X gets free education while in primary school and then subsidize her secondary school fees in an event that she has been selected to a public school. That it costs good money is the reason why NOT all students that pass the Primary School Leaving Certificate exams are matriculated to public secondary schools. This means, every place offered to a given student in a public institution has a huge opportunity cost because that same place could have been offered to other equally deserving students instead. Therefore, deliberately getting pregnant when studying in public schools is selfishness and shows a lack of appreciation for sacrifice that tax payers undertake to bankroll public schools.

This is where the Magufuli philosophy becomes handy.

Noticing that some horny students fail to appreciate the extent to which his   government goes to offer free and subsidized education, Tanzania’s President Magufuli, in his trademark pragmatism, decided that the best way to deal with schoolgirl pregnancy is to ban child-mothers and child-fathers from returning to public school. In addition, he declared that courts must hand out 30 years prison sentences to men that impregnate school girls to allow these pedophiles to use their overflowing sexual energy in prison farms. Genius!

Surprisingly, umbrageous and deliberately misinterpreting an issue at hand as usual, militant feminists and their equally mentally corrupted institutions [read NGOs] have launched a strong attack and a petition against President Magufuli for issuing such an exquisite solution. Apparently, Magufuli’s solution breaks international human rights convention and denies a girl-child’s right to education. Preposterous stuff.

As a man who is allergic to parrot-style social justice warriorism, Mr. Bitchless is here to defend President Magufuli. Look, we are talking about President John Pombe Magufuli here. A result-oriented former school teacher who has developed an elegant reputation for combating corruption, a business-as-usual mentality, and fixing his country’s economy. Surely, if he can fix an economy, he cannot fail to fix schoolgirl pregnancy.

See, unlike what militant feminists are claiming, Magufuli’s order to ban child-mothers from public schools does not deny their right to education. Rather, his order only serves to drill a sense of responsibility in these slutty kids by reminding them that studying on tax payers’ money is an opportunity not to mess with. You fuck it up, you are on your own. The government offered them free primary education and subsidized secondary education, but failing to control their moist loins, they choose to squander their opportunity by rushing to parenthood.

Reoffering child-mothers the opportunity to study on a tax-payer’s cost creates moral hazard and denies other equally deserving students the opportunity to study on government ticket. If child-mothers are serious about proceeding with their education, they should go to private schools or night school. As for public schools, they had their chance and they blew it. As Magufuli put it, the government is responsible of educating children NOT parents!

Resting on deterrence and consequentialism tenets, Magufuli’s double-edged solution is a powerful weapon for dealing with this embarrassing social tragedy. Powerful because such a declaration sends a strong message to horny schoolgirls to tread carefully in their sexual escapades. And to pedophiles that are blessed with an insatiable lust for young girls, a 30 years prison sentence is exactly what they deserve.

Mr. Bitchless strongly recommends the Malawi government to adopt Magufuli’s idea. After all, when it comes to dealing with school malpractice, would you rather listen to an experienced former teacher or self-hating militant feminists who are out of touch with reality but are proficient at screaming buzzwords like privilege, safe space, triggers, and discrimination?

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