Mr. Bitchless | Chanco Tour

“When a man gives his opinon, he’s a man. When a woman gives her opinion, she’s a bitch”

-Bette Davis

Without a single trace of shame, a 35 year old Mr. Bitchless attended Chanco’s Freshmans party last Friday. Sponsored by Zomba’s hottest obesity perpetrating eatery, this party was a blast that kept girls on their toes throughout. This late night open-air party did not disappoint most testosterone-charged merchants, considering the double-intake. It must be indicated, of course that, in terms of the variation of happenings, this party was not that unique from the banal trajectory that most Freshman’s parties across college campuses in the country usually take. As if nobody has the guts to spice up things a bit beyond the normal booze, ganja smoking, and gross dancing. Anyway, Chanco’s 2017 Freshman’s party left an indelible mark in Mr. Bitchless mind for a couple of reasons. Here are the reasons:

To begin with, this party was flooded with a variety of fine freshman girls. It was a buffet of pussycats, basically. As it has been indicated earlier, with the double-intake of freshman classes, this party, though hosted during the brokest week of the month, was guaranteed to host a large population of female freshman attendees. This was obvious to steamy Zomba-based men and for that, we planned accordingly ahead of time by stacking up dough. Based on the freshman girls he saw, Mr. Bitchless is here to declare that this year’s belo has not disappointed. Matter of fact, Mr. Bitchless is here to prophesize a large flow of horny merchants to lands of Chilunga throughout this year’s academic calendar. Take note of that married women. Much as we pay gratitude to the industrial standoff between the professors and the college council for the double-intake, we hope these belligerent parties have buried their hatchet for and won’t be interrupting the semester anytime soon.

In addition to the large flock of attractive freshman girls, the party was also flooded with hunters. Fundamentally, this year’s Chanco freshman’s party pulled 4 classes of hunters. First, there were prostitutes from surrounding locations. Disguising themselves as college students, harlots from places as far as Jali – not to mention Chinamwali, and Matawale – came to hunt their prey. Mr. Bitchless understands that most of them got lucky.

Second, there were sexually-frustrated committed men who had attended either to try their luck on munching a freshie or just to admire what they are missing out by committing to their fat baes.

Third, we had male and female alumni, especially alums who have graduated recently. Mr. Bitchless is not aware of the reason why an unprecedented number of fresh alums decided to trek to this year’s party. They must be doing really great ku world.

Lastly, we had treasure hunters. Mostly dudes, this class of hunters came to steal people’s valued possessions, particularly possessions locked in automobiles.

Talking about the fourth class of hunters in the preceding paragraph, this is a class that is usually dominated by losers fighting different embedded personal insecurities. These kinds of personal insecurities manifest themselves in the form of animalistic behaviors that are technically called Small Dick Syndrome (SDS). For those that don’t know, one clear-cut sign of SDS is unjustified rage. Like most wise guys, Mr. Bitchless understands that, in most cases, SDS is induced by brokeness and the resulting lack of getting laid. At the party, SDS transpired in the form of a massive brawl that took the MC’s intervention to quell. Mr. Bitchless was perturbed to see confused young men fighting gallantly for petty reasons. Looking at the weapons that were involved, it was clear that these young men are in urgent need of therapy to cure their SDS. Think about it, would a sexually satisfied man who has enough cash in his pocket have the time and energy to engage in a petty but fierce brawl? Not in a million years.

That being said, Mr. Bitchless graced Chanco’s freshman’s party because time is not on his side in terms of fulfilling his objective to marry before the end of this year. Looking at the calendar, Mr. Bitchless has 5 months left to identify his better-half, date her, propose, and then marry the crap out of her. For this reason, Mr. Bitchless is currently operating under immense pressure. It doesn’t help that pundits have started to write off the odds that Mr. Bitchless will be able to pull off his noble mission. However, Mr. Bitchless is a gentleman who cherishes challenges and loves to upset defying odds. Given the number of fine pussycats that he saw at the Freshman’s party, Mr. Bitchless is hopeful that Chanco is grooming his heaven sent. Adios!

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