Mr. Bitchless | A Lonely Man’s Prayer

“People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them”

-Dave Barry

Mr. Bitchless is irreligious. As he insinuated in the vacancy, he is a Malawian heathen who loves to throw friendly jabs at organized religion, particularly foreign religions. But having been raised by a slutty yet Christian granny, Mr. Bitchless has always had a strong familiarity with the way of the Lord – the one true Jewish God, to be precise. For this reason, whenever faced with a frustrating situation, Mr. Bitchless likes to imagine how he would have handled the situation had it been he was still operating under the guidance of the Wonderful Councilor.

This week, Mr. Bitchless would like to imagine the kind of prayer he would have relayed to the Almighty Father to find a remedy for his chronic bitchlessness.

So Let’s pray:

O Jesus, lover of the young, the dearest friend I have. With all confidence I open my heart to you to beg your light and assistance in the important task of planning my future sex life. Give me the light of your grace, that I may decide wisely concerning the woman who is to be my partner through life. Good Lord, you correctly pointed it out on Genesis 1 v 18 that it is whack for a man to live alone in this sinful world. I know most men have confessed already the ingenuity that you demonstrated by ripping out a few ribs from a man to create his pussycat. I beg you to do the same thing to me O Lord. As it was with Adam, so let it be with me. Take some of my ribs and make me a wife. Jehovah, I pray that you show me the same level of kindness that you showed to a lonely Adam in the Garden of Eden.

Yahweh, I have been told that you are a marvelous yet mysterious God that has a tendency of tempting his own flock. This is your trademark. You tempted Abraham’s resolve by asking him to offer you his only son. Young Isaac must have been traumatized to shit to see his righteous father ready to slice his neck, but that doesn’t matter oh Lord. As long as Abraham passed the test, praised be your name forever for it is through a traumatized Isaac that humanity found salvation a couple of hundred years later. Similarly, you tempted gullible Job over an unnecessary bet that you took with Satan. But at the end of the day the world found inspiration to exalt and glorify your name through this seemingly mythological tales.

Talking about Temptations, on 1 Corinthians 10:13 Apostle Paul revels to us that you are a God that does not allow his children to be tempted beyond what they can handle. Should I assume that my current bitchlessness is a temptation? If that’s the case, send me the Holy Spirit to cement my grit. So that, like your loyal servants Abraham and Job, I should not waver but remain firm in your extraordinary kingdom. I pray that my bitchlessness life will lead to the exaltation of your weird name and the righteousness that you claim to represent.

According to Psalms Chapter 107, dearest Jesus, you are the Lord that is always good to his people. Particularly on verse 9, you guarantee to give something to drink to those that are THIRSTY and to give good things to EAT to those that are hungry. Drunk on this beautiful Psalm, I come in your holy presence – thirsty and hungry – to seek refuge good Lord. Liberate the fortune of my genitalia from Satan’s bondage. Bless my thirsty crotch with a buffet of pussycats.

Quench the yearnings of the loins of your humble servant good Lord. Not out of force, but because you are the only one with unbound mercy. Send me such a one whom in your divine wisdom you judge best suited to be united with me in cohabitation. May her physical characters reflect some of the traits of your own chosen side bitch the Virgin Mary or those of Nicki Minaj. I wouldn’t mind either option, in all honest.

Holy Father, your boundless love is a stream that brings comfort to weary hearts like mine. May your wholesomeness prompt you to bless me with a whoresome woman, if worse comes to worst. May she be upright and curvy like a Coca-Cola bottle. Loyal and disciplined like a thoroughly brainwashed child soldier. Pure, sincere and noble like any triple distilled liquor. Give me a pure and unselfish broad that has a knack of striving for perfection in body and shagging. Build her with an insatiable lust like that of beautiful Oholibah in Ezekiel 23. Of course, you did not bless me with genitals of a donkey and emissions of a horse, but at least you’ve demonstrated your compassion by compensating my manhood deficiency by giving me money to go for manhood enlargement. Praised be your name!

Finally, you command us on 1 John 2 v 6 to follow the example set by your only begotten son Lord Jesus Christ. You command us to emulate and embrace his holiness and his bitchless lifestyle. On this subject, my cony Pastor told me long time ago that Jesus died bitchless at 33. Take a look at me Most High God. I have led a pity bitchless life for 35 years – more than your son Jesus did. Isn’t it clear that I have fulfilled your command to emulate the example set by Jesus? My God, My God, why have you deserted my genitals? Lord, understand that I can’t take no more of this and I am in desperate need of your intervention.

This is why I entrust the decision I am to make as to my future wife O Holy Spirit. You are my guiding star! Direct me to the person with whom I can best cooperate in doing God’s holy will of procreating like cockroaches, with whom I can live a life of eternal compromise, perpetual lust, and unconditional harmony in this life, and attain to eternal joys in Paradise. In Jesus name, I pray.

Amen.

That is how a hubristic infidel communicates with a hypothetical God. Until next week.

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