LILONGWE: A renown Malawi-centric prophet has advised the youth in the country to avoid crossing the territorial boundaries of Malawi in search of a greener pasture. Prophet Timoteyo Mtembosiunyasa of the Angelic Revelations Ministry uttered these remarks in reaction to the double stories of Malawians that have been slain abroad this month. The prophet has urged the youth to sweat it out in the country and wait for the day the Lord will embarrass them with blessings.

“We started November with the tragic story of a young Malawian dreamer who was brutally murdered by a Kenyan Jezebel in Ireland and now look at what has happened to our 6 brave soldiers in Zaire. Traumatizing stuff,” posited the 85 year old man of gold.

“I mean, I get it that, with the return of persistent blackouts, the lamentable stagnant unemployment rate, the recent episode of fuel hike, and the prospects of an additional 5 years under the dynamic-yet-clueless leadership of the deluded ex-academician, the future looks gloomy for the youth in Malawi.

“Of course jumping ship always seems like a logical option, but what is the alternative?” queried the allegedly anointed prophet Mtembosiunyasa.

“With all due respect, if you were to investigate, you would find out that some of the slain men in uniform probably might have bribed their way to this peacekeeping mission thing in pursuit of a shortcut to owning a Passo. But look at where it has led,” concluded the controversial prophet.

Speaking during a midday service at the headquarters of his ministry, pastor Mtembosiunyasa urged Malawian youths to remain steadfast and wait for their blessings right here in Malawi. He underscored his message by relating it to a Biblical story from Matthew 14: 22-33, where, unlike Peter, disciples that opted to remain in a troubled boat in the wake of the storm stayed dry.

Reacting to prophet Mtembosiunyasa’s message, leader of the Bolero-based Rastafarian community, Bongo Italman, described prophet Mtembosiunyasa’s utterance as “a bloodclaat ting.”

“It’s all Babylon stuff, breadda! Soon, we shall repatriate to Ethiopia as per the prophecy of I man Marcus Garvey,” declared Bongo Italman while refusing to explain the connection between repatriation and prophet Mtembosiunyasa’s argument.

By press time, leaders of the Sufi Muslim community in Kaviwale in the outskirts of the Green city were still brainstorming their reaction to prophet Mtembosiunyasa’s advice.

The Big Kahuna ‘Plans’ to Extend RVG’s Contract Until Malawians Admit that the Flames Play Like Barcelona.

BLANTYRE: Dumbfounded by Malawians’ inability to draw similarities from the Malawi national team’s style of play and that of FC Barcelona, president of the Nyasaland Football Association, The Big Kahuna is strongly considering to extend RVG’s contract to give Malawians “time to get it.” The president is convinced that extending the embattled Belgian maestro’s contract will allow frustrated heatless Flames diehards to appreciate the nitty gritty improvement that the team has registered since the Belgian’s appointment.

“Football is an art. And like most precious pieces of art, it takes time for uncultured eyes to appreciate the quality at hand,” explained a concerned Kahuna.

“If you were to show the Mona Lisa to a random chap from Bembeke, it would take ages for him to appreciate the hype behind it. This is why I think it important that we extend RVG’s contract so that the boo boys can have ample time to appreciate the nuanced improvement that the Flames are undergoing because of RVG.

“Journalists with an agenda ridiculed my comparison between the Flames and FC Barcelona. But I was referring to the FC Barcelona from 1999/00 to 2003/04. Like the Flames at the moment, Barca won nothing during that period. Hah! The joke is on you,” reasoned the NFA president.

Responding to Big Kahuna’s plan to extend RVG’s contract, celebrated Heatless Flames’ legend, Mphito Konyetiwa expressed unrestrained support for the former’s plan.

“It’s extremely important that before he steps down next year, the BK should extend RVG’s contract. Not only that, he should also ensure that the fomrer Heatless’ Captain takes over from RVG afterward. The fans would love it.

“Malawians need to learn to give credit where credit is due. Losing 2-1 away against France is a result that we all need to proud of. To think that France are world champions, this is unprecedented progress on the Flames’ part,” lamented Konyetiwa.



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