The Jägermeister



Monday, 16th of April, 2018

EX-z. yes, I mean Ex. What can I say? Let’s be honest man, these creatures are everywhere; some powerless over you, others strong… you know! the ones who make the world a bit smaller than it was before the big break up. Suddenly walking via your usual route to town carries the “risk” of meeting ‘em, damn, well, it was fun while it lasted. Maybe try again, maybe next time you might actually get your “happily ever after”. There’s a reason romantic comedies end with a colorful marriage, the actual ever-after is never shown for your own protection.

We all want that precious advice, that ammunition to deal with that Ex once and for all, and where best to look for such advice other than on the internet, via an online youth magazine, in a column called the Jägermeister! Gosh! you must be very “smart” and should probably remain single.

Anyway, for starters, I would say buy a hand gun, easy to conceal and with a safety feature. We don’t want you accidently shooting yourself down there, but before we get to what to do next, here is how yours truly once helped this one precious soul deal with her ex for good. Wanna know how? Be my guest!

Meet 23-year-old Grace, my childhood best friend. We’ve basically grown up together and she tells me everything, except when I found out on Facebook that she was in a relationship for the past year.

One day, I get a midnight call, it’s Grace, she caught her BF pants down, discovering and probably enjoying the hidden treasures on top of her (Grace’s) best friend, (obviously not me) and so they had broken up that same day. Yes! Never liked the guy, plus it’s time to be a hero, offer a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, play my cards right and I may get promoted from “family-zone” to “friend-zone!” How about that? One step at a time guys.

Three months later, chilling at a park with Grace and she gets a text, “hie”.

Grace: Oh look Mr. Douche finally decided he misses me! How about I go psycho on him and show him just how much I don’t care. I knew he wouldn’t last long out there.

Reply: Hie

EX: how you been?

Grace: how have I been?! Can you believe this guy?! After all he put me through and suddenly he cares?! What kind of BS is this? That’s it!! Am gonna have to destroy whatever dignity he has left!!

Jägermeister: Yeah, I think you should block the douche, before he causes anymore trouble

Reply: been good, you?

EX: so we cool?

Grace: we cool? Is this some kind of game to him? Of course, no we not cool! Unbelievable!

Jägermeister: he probably thinks he can get away with what he did, like you should be taken for granted or something, you right, it’s unbelievable.

Reply: are we cool? what’s that suppsz to mean..?

Ex: I have no right to be forgiven but I am truly sorry Grace

Grace: damn right, no forgiveness from me I’ve moved on

Jägermeister: yeah moving on was hard enough don’t go back there.

Ex: nothing is the same without you, I miss you a lot

Ex: am not asking for another chance, but just one last chance to explain myself

Reply: explain what?

Ex: just meet me tomorrow

Grace: wow he missed me that much huh? He wants to meet.

Jägermeister: leave him be, he’s done enough damage

Grace: am going to meet him that’s all

Jägermeister: All am saying is….

Grace: why are you so against him? Everyone deserves a second chance, you know.

Jägermeister: I’m not ‘against” him, it’s just,,, after all that’s happened, crying for days, and you just gonna throw all that away I just think that..

Grace: look, I appreciate the support, but stay out of this, this is my personal business oky?

Jägermeister: all am saying is…

Grace: Oh please, I know about your little secret, you and me will never happen!!

Jägermeister: Oh shit!! I mean, who told you that!!

Grace: doesn’t matter you are the enemy here leave Chris out of it, am out here!

The moment Mr. Douche went back to being called “Chris” well you already know. Of course, I was the one blocked on WhatsApp. Three weeks later they were back together. Never talked to Grace much after that.

Regardless that was three years ago. This morning, the family received a wedding invitation, the two announced their engagement a month ago at Rejoice For Peace Ministries (RFP). Apparently, they gave a powerful testimony about how the devil once tried to destroy their relationship but by fire by force they overcame and can testify. I’m sure it’s nothing to do with me. You should check out their Instagram account; they look absolutely disgusting! I mean beautiful together. Chris is now manager at his father’s company and I’m still the Jägermeister. On the wedding day, I may have to fake my death for a few days until it’s all over. Learn from Grace, that’s how we all deal with EX-s. Don’t know why you thought I would give you something different’ I’m only human.




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