PERVERT'S NEWS DIGEST
KASUNGU: A jubilant insider from the Bandazi family has disclosed that the family celebrated Kasungu’s return to fame by resuscitating their unique tradition of clandestinely neutralizing threats to the family interests. According to the insider, the family figured that the release of The Boy Who Harnessed The Wind trailer, which has propelled Kasungu to its old fame, could only be celebrated by rewinding the clock and reminiscing “those good old days when the family used to be above the law.”
Said the ecstatic member of the Bandazi family to an inebriated audience at the famous Culture Club in Kasungu, “I am not saying that our family has anything to do with Jumanzi’s sudden death. Logically, though, we just had to roll back the times and neutralize the threat rather than see our coveted inheritance get taken away.
“Back then when Kasungu was bubbly, nobody dared to mess with the interest of our family. Now that this movie has brought back that bubbly feeling in the district, it was a no-brainer to neutralize that bastard. Oh did I just say bastard?” rhetorically, asked the unnamed member of the Bandazi family.
Speaking to our reporter, one of the imbibers who endured these taunts questioned the family insider’s audacity to reveal such clandestine dealing to the public. The imbiber has since confirmed that he is itching to report these revelations to relevant authorities, though he is unsure if his effort will be worth it considering the Malawi justice system’s slowness and the former ruling clique’s impending return to power.
“I would have ignored this issue just like I ignored Hon. Chafulukira’s equally mysterious death, but to see that imbecile allegorically ridicule the poor boy’s passing like that, I am determined to do something about it,” revealed the irritated imbiber, who is still struggling to come to terms with the fact that there is not much he can do about it.
When asked to comment on the developments, a senior staff at the Malawi Police headquarters protested that Malawians should learn to focus on the bigger picture without wasting energy on the unnecessary stuff.
“What would you rather have, Jumanzi or the movie? Talking about the movie, I heard some Malawians are vexed by the amateurish Chichewa accents in the movie. Get a life, people!” yelled the senior staff from Area 30, while avoiding to disclose action that law enforcers intend to take to investigate the Bandazi family’s possible involvement in Jumanzi’s death.