The Jägermeister


Sunday, 6th May 2018

Welcome to yet another piece of pure education. Today, I take you back to your childhood days and I don’t mean when you got caught having “sex” at age five and severely beaten thereafter. Also FYI, that was not sex; more like rubbing, where did you get the idea of sex at that age anyway? No seriously, where did you get that idea? And them damn adults would get really angry when they caught a child in the act of “kupanga zopusa”. Selfish bastards!!

Well, fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your side of the coin, the Jägermeister never got. Why? He’s never indulged himself in such acts. He listened to his parents and has been waiting until marriage to do so. In the meantime, the only marriage material available to Yours Truly is a good bottle of “By appointment to the Royal Danish court”. Know what I mean? Seems like the wait ain’t gonna end anytime soon; still, I’m staying strong.

The first guy “kupanga zopusa” had no instruction manual, and to be honest was to me I think a huge disappointment to mankind. I honestly feel sorry for him. Yes, you guessed it, we are talking about Adam. He had a pretty rough life. Oh, before we go on, are you religious? If yes, are you either Muslim, Christian or Jew? If yes in another response to this question as well, then all good! If not, then you can move along. But since you’re here, you might as well stay and read. I promise you will be three times wiser after reading the writing. But if you are not wise at all, as in you have zero wisdom, then you should know that three times zero is still zero. So, if you have zero wisdom then you should probably move on.

So, Adam, he was told not to eat the fruit in the middle of the garden, I mean the fruit was just sitting there for the taking, it wasn’t hidden in the middle of a desert, surrounded by thorns or volcanoes, no it was just sitting there, man, talk about temptation. All was well until his wife gave him a taste of the forbidden fruit and then all things went to shit. Why just not create the apple? I got to say I can’t imagine a world without apples. As a child, I would ask why the apple was just not created in the first place, and as usual, mom would say “don’t ask or you will burn in hell”

There are those who say the Apple is actually sex. This makes so much sense, I mean, forbidden fruit, in the middle of a garden, it all makes sense. But clearly, Adam did not give enough attention to Eve. It had to take Lucifer to make Eve taste the fruit and then she gave it to Adam. Wait does that mean Lucifer hit it first? Coz before all this, Adam was busy talking to lions, frogs and probably chameleons, so much that he couldn’t note a naked woman sitting right there, the only woman in existence at that time. No wonder she got bored and walked around the garden alone.

We got to cut Adam some slack though, he had no idea what to do with her. But then again Lucifer, did he really hit it first? I think he did, I mean the dude had been in heaven for all his life and there is no getting “some” up there. So, he sees a beauty on earth and sees Adam busy talking to trees. Man, If I were Lucifer at the time, I would definitely have shown Eve ‘how to eat the fruit’.

So, assuming Lucifer ate the fruit, Eve must have been blown out her mind she just had to do it again. So, her sharing the fruit with Adam was not really to share, but she wanted to have another taste and so she did. Adam having tasted the fruit must have thought, wow, what have I been doing all this time? It’s no wonder soon after we hear of Adam bearing kids, I’m pretty sure, Adam stopped talking to animals and was busy “being fruitful and multiplying”. It’s probably why nowadays we can’t talk to animals either. Our great ancestor was too busy eating the newly found “fruit” like all the time, so much that animals forgot our language. Shame on you brother Adam.

Like the title, don’t ask or you will burn in hell. But like all normal kids, I kept asking these questions, like one day I did ask my mom, where children came from. She told me I would know once I grew up. Like the obedient child, I listened. Two weeks ago, she texted “so when should I expect my grandchildren”. So, I replied “mom, aren’t you skipping a step? You haven’t yet told me how to get children, so unless you can explain to me how, I’m afraid there will be no grandchildren for you”. It was after this text that I discovered that your very loving mom can in fact “blue-tick” you for days. In my case, it’s been two weeks.

Disclaimer: do not try this at an Africa home, and if you are going to try then don’t do it face to face, do it via text. Mom is not asking for grandkids anymore, but like I said, “don’t ask such questions, you will burn in hell”



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